Bye Bye 2025
When I post the year-end Director's Club episode in a couple of days (Friday hopefully), I'm going to sound exhausted, depleted and ready to move on. I'd say for over a year now, I've been through so much that I truly thought of quitting everything at one point: podcasts, writing, film criticism. Obviously, I'd still remain a librarian because it has become my career and day job and I do love it.
But to be honest, this year put this country (and others) through so much that it's hard to know where to begin. Instead of rehashing the obvious political climate we find ourselves in and focusing on the macro-level hellfire, I suppose it's best to reflect on resilience and perseverance through a lot of challenges.
Even when I changed library locations back in October of 2024, I wasn't sure if I was going to adapt. The old library definitely had a lot of issues to warrant needing a transfer but there was a lot of room for solitude, silence and being able to focus. At the new branch, it's more intimate and enclosed with a workspace that doesn't allow for quiet time due to it being a part of the break room. That and the volume level gets quite overwhelming but this also is a good thing: patrons are still coming to libraries and supporting the mission of providing resources, entertainment and information.
Once I embarked on an intensive outpatient program and got back into weekly therapy sessions, in addition to finding the right medication finally, everything began to change. My health improved, my ability to engage with others regularly was far more consistent and I started a lot of great programming at the library. At the same time, it became more challenging to keep up with hobbies/creative projects in the midst of dealing with another monumental challenge: my mom's diagnosis of dementia and the fact that she could no longer live alone.
Instead of elaborating too much on all that happened there, let's say that my sister and I worked incredibly hard to make sure my mom would be taken care of in a great assisted living facility that she has adapted to (mostly). There are so many factors - financial, emotional, practical - that go into making sure an aging parent finds a comfortable living environment where support is readily available. I'd say more often than not, I was breaking down, having nightmares and unsure if I could handle the responsibilities including looking after her finances (on top of my own).
Suffice to say, things have improved dramatically within the past few months. About a year ago, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown - with migraines, panic attacks, poor eating habits and not fully processing two huge traumas that I am now beginning to write about for a book/memoir of my own. One of which has only been shared with my fiancee, who has been the brightest light in my life. A pillar of support, kindness, laughter and patience through a lot of uncertainties. We plan on getting married for a reason: I feel better knowing she's in my life.
After getting much-needed help and treatment (while being on leave from work last year), things definitely got better until the summer when my mom got worse. So from that point on until about December 1st, she has been my main focus to where movies, music, podcasts, writing - all were on the back-burner. Then I left Substack for a plethora of reasons to find a new home here, which is still a work in progress. As 2025 comes to a close, I can say that I am far more optimistic about the new year given the fact that things have already gotten much better.
That's not to say that I am significantly better. The reason for focusing on a mental health documentary and a memoir is to come to terms with something rather monumental that I never elaborated on before. At the same time, it's kind of a complex, layered story that could make for an interesting read. Besides, ever since I was young, I always wanted to write a book and I can certainly write about me before anything fictional. So there's a lot to digest and process. Thank God I have support, a loving partner, medication and outlets like writing/podcasting/music.
My dreams have become more surreal and intense as of late perhaps because I'm still dealing with all that's happened. There are still moments of "mom flashbacks" that will never leave my brain. Dementia sucks, aging is difficult and I cannot stress this enough: please try to take better care of yourself, health-wise on every level. Obviously, that's my biggest resolution.
In summation, expect more in the new year from me - podcasts, music, writing, perhaps even a full-length documentary that I've been chipping away at, slowly. I truly appreciate all of you reading this, listening to Director's Club (and B-Side Me) as well as all my friends, family and the love of my life for being so inspirational and supportive. 2025 has sucked in so many ways that it's hard for me to not carry that feeling with me, even when reflecting on the year in cinema which you'll hear very soon. I certainly loved a lot of new music, read a dozen books for my library book club and rekindled a love of poetry.
I also realized, first and foremost, that it's imperative for me to put away my phone and sit in a quiet space to reflect. Certainly my kitty Duchess is welcome to join me at any time with that and she has. I'm really planning on making 2026 a great year of celebration, change and evolution. I think I need it to be a better year and I'm going to do everything in my power to make that happen. Let's just hope the world doesn't fall apart so I can remain steady/focused on staying emotionally stable and creative in order to make the rest of my life better than it's been in the past. Thank you everyone for being subscribers, readers, listeners and reasons to keep going. Good riddance 2025, hello and good morning to 2026.
