Taking A Much-Needed Extended Break

Back in October of 2024, I had a bit of mental health crisis that required me to take time off of work and focus inward. Now is the time to do something similar though I still plan to work my day job since it allows me the luxury of distraction, steady income and so much more. But a big change has to take place and it involves me stepping back from writing, podcasting and a lot of the hobbies I've been doing for the past several years, including film criticism and reviews. To sum it all up, I am taking a longer break than usual - with a hope to return in the fall. There's one exception, I am no longer going to be a part of the critics organization, as hard as it is to make that official but it's for the best.

I've made the difficult decision to leave the Chicago Film Critics Association a month before the latest iteration of the Chicago Critics Film Festival takes place. Every summer there's a renewal of membership but I won't be renewing. In fact, as I was working on the website update, I let my good friend and the man behind the curtain of the festival know I was going through something "heavy." My brain was really being my worst enemy for about the past week. It was more than just another relapse, it felt all-consuming. There were a couple of nights that were the scariest I've experienced in years, akin to what Michael Shannon goes through in Take Shelter. I was seeing/hearing things, I was talking out loud through a severe panic attack and contemplating an inpatient hospital stay.

There's obviously more to the story and some of it surrounds the stress of the past six months having dealt with a major life change regarding my mom's new life inside an assisted living facility. It's mostly a great transition for her, but there are still things to work through, process, figure out and help her with that I was not prepared for. To which I realize, I am burning the candle at both ends trying to work on that, foster a loving relationship, be present at my day job and then coming home to watch movies or work on a podcast became too challenging. I was coasting through it, not feeling the same positive energy despite some of the best episodes coming out as of late, particularly the Jodorowsky and Capra episodes.

Then I was also sponsoring an episode of one of my favorite podcasts, but it was around that time, I started to feel really overwhelmed - I'm listening to too much, doing too much, watching too much, distracting myself from things like mental and physical health despite still being in therapy and taking medication. It wasn't until April 1st of all days that everything caught up with me and I realized, I can't prep for a new podcast, sit down to write, take part in an online book club, record a new song - there was no energy or enthusiasm. My body won't let me. Depression was returning and it was asking me to collapse on a day off instead of doing what I used to enjoy. When I sat down to think about specifically why depression and anxiety were coming back, well there's more to that story that I imagine I will share in the future when the time comes but it's definitely personal and fresh.

It's a lot to process and as much as I love writing, sharing new content, or attending a festival that my friends put together, I won't be fully present or able to enjoy it until I work on myself in a lot of ways. There's money, there's food, there's exercise, there's dealing with health, talking to family/friends, and most importantly, being emotionally present and communicative with my loving fiancee. Sharon has been truly wonderful in so many ways, including helping me through the worst.

So yes an extended break is taking place and very much needed again. I know I've done it before, including a summer break last year because of moving, and I know everyone reading this truly understands. My goal is to hopefully return to some kind of more stable, healthier place to where I will be back to doing what I love, mainly podcasting and writing once summer ends.

New film reviews are unlikely since I have little excitement for them at this point in time. There are so many great film critics here in Chicago and beyond that I plan to write more about eventually, but people like Collin, Erik, Nick have all been by my side in a major way to where I know they will support this decision. All that being said, I am eternally grateful for everyone's compassion and kind words, whether they are a reader, a cinephile, a podcaster, a listener, a friend... during this extremely tumultuous time that got the best of me.

A part of me hoped, "well my mom is in assisted living, everything is gonna get better and I can have some peace of mind," but that was wishful thinking to a degree. There's still A LOT to work out when it comes to my own mental health that I can no longer neglect in ways I've hopefully summarized here for you all, dear subscribers. I know this isn't a permanent break or a goodbye, but just don't be alarmed when you don't see a post for a while. I really wanted to make this work and share a lot of great things with you, but now is not the time and my goal is to return in the fall if things have calmed down.

My goal right now is Sept/Oct to get back to podcasting but again, I probably shouldn't say that until I know the time is right. Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), I greatly appreciate every single person reading these words, especially those in the CFCA, the podcasting community, friends, family, guests on the show and all those lovers of the arts that have supported me. I truly hope that this break will lead to a lot of positive, healthy changes that have been long overdue. Wishing you all the best and feel free to go back and listen to old episodes, read previous essays and enjoy what I've put out for quite a while. Hope to keep doing it again in the future once I'm no longer in a scary head space.

Sincerely,
Jim Laczkowski
Librarian/Musician/Podcaster/Writer